So, in my next life...

Well, it is time to move

2009-04-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

I made the move to wordpress... although I am still trying to decide how much I like it.. but nothing beats having all your blogs in one place..

Follow me here: http://soinmynextlife.com/

well, it has certainly been a while...

2009-03-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

More than a month...I've been busy, in between work, cleaning, conferences, friends, gardening, life, and a new member to the household, or it could have been the enormous amount of beers we have been consuming.. either way, blogging was not really that high in my priority list…

But, I'm back, and I have pictures to prove that this whole time, while I felt like selling my belongings and moving to a deserted beach, there were fun times involved...

Let's begin:

Channe's Birthday.. @ El Coyote

Sunset at CDM beach... God I am so lucky to live here
Sophie Woffy...

another lovely afternoon..

Ok, more pics to come in a bit... gotta get back to work!

25 random things...

2009-02-10T12:12:00.001-08:00

1. I drink way too much. And so does everyone else I know. (well, menos lauri.)

2. Every morning I have a quad-soy latte, 2 Splendas, and a Prozac.

3. I could never live far from the beach, although I still don’t know how to swim

4. I frequently host homeless friends in my house.

5. My job involves cleaning oil, designing experiments, traveling a lot, and dealing with random Persians.

6. I believe that sometimes, people change and then forget to tell each other…

7. My dog Sophie is from Compton… I rescued her from a shelter after a car had hit her. She has THE most amazing eyes…

8. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to get up and brush my teeth…

9. I hate pickles, or anything pickled…

10. I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

11. I love, love snowboarding… I look forward to the snow season all year long.

12. I think exercise is such a dirty word, every time I say it, I wash my mouth with a Martini.

13. I mistrust establishments that don’t have Splenda

14. I don’t worry about identity theft since thieves probably have better spending habits than me.

15. I love learning languages… I’ve taken French, Hebrew and Farsi lessons, and this year: Arabic…

16. For the past 4 years, almost every Friday, I meet the girls for happy hour, at a little French place called Monsieur Marcel… there is nothing like sharing wine and stories with them.

17. I haven’t had a TV for over two years, and unless someone brings it up I don’t miss it at all… I’d rather spend my time reading.

18. I don’t use sunscreen because my lifestyle makes it far more likely my liver, lungs, or heart will deteriorate before my skin.

19. I make the best organic no sugar pumpkin pie.

20. I love taking pictures. The best thing about them is that they never change, even if the people in them do.

21. I can’t settle down because I am interested in too many things.

22. I have come to realize that there comes a time in life where you have to let go of all the pointless drama and all the people that create it. You have to surround yourself with people that make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and begin cherishing the good.

23. I’m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk in patios.

24. I am more concerned with my character than my reputation, because my character is what I really am, my reputation is merely what everyone else thinks I am.

25. And maybe, you don’t go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don’t do.

Because free is always better...

2009-02-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

I just read about this.. Arts Cow is giving away 1200 free prints! go here
to get them!

The Arabian Gulf... or how I began the year

2009-01-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

After almost killing myself working during Christmas, the time to leave for the trip came... I found myself running around like crazy, forgetting a million things (including the usb drives), barely sleeping, living in two time zones once again, tired, stressed, wishing I had two more days to finish things and concerned that I was going to miss my flight...

But the day came, and because I am lucky to have the best friends, Channe came over to help me pack, clean my house, give me support, share some wine, and drive me to LAX...

And a few days later, I was in Dubai...

I was hoping to find more desert, a more "Arabic" experience... Instead I found myself surrounded by the tallest buildings, one way "freeways", lack of parking space, shopping malls bigger than my city, tourist "tours", random workers that only spoke english, or Urdu, Tagalog, and Punjabi... The Emiratis were a rare group, rarely seen out on the streets... They wore the traditional Desert clothes, and could be found carrying their kids, while their wives spent a fortune on clothes meant to be seen only by them... They were warm and friendly, and surprisingly accessible, even to me as a single women.... and not only them, but all the muslims I encountered... It is almost like they shared the same relaxed attitude of someone that is on vacation... they went on with their lives, thankful to be there, happy about the diversity, curious about our upbringing, but, more importantly, eager to tell me about where they came from...

Looking back...

2009-01-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, it is already January 4th... I guess you could blame it on the fact that my trip is three days away, or that I have been working like a madman to get things done, or that I had to find these pics in 4 different drives... oh well, here it is..

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

It is cold again tonight..

2008-12-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

I was just reading my blog.. Looking back, I should pay more attention to what I write... This two weeks have been hard, but tonight was especially rough.. Sometimes, when I least expect it, I say something that comes across as rude, or mean, or disrespectful. I wish I could understand the limits, that I could see when to stop, when I am crossing the line. I have gotten a lot better, yes, but it still happens. It happened tonight. With someone that I have already disappointed a few times. Someone that, on one side, I love to spend time with, but on the other, I am scared because I know I've done things that he is not completely happy with... and it is a weird feeling, because I, for the first time in a long time, feel some sort of real connection, like we will be friends for a long time...

I have been working non-stop all week... my plan of focusing on myself has once again become how can I make the people around me see me for what I am, how can I make them appreciate the effort I am making to be better... but how can I do this, if I don't really know who I am? How can I ask people to trust me, when I rarely trust myself? How can let go of the anger and pain inside of me without getting other people involved?

It is almost refreshing to know that I have been here before, full of questions and doubts, and that, somehow, I got out of it.. and I got out of it learning a lesson... But lately I have been wondering what I am doing wrong... It is almost like I try so hard for people to like me, that I forgot why I like myself....and I let my ego super inflate itself, because of fears or insecurities, or god knows what, and then it happens again, I mess up.. I act like a spoiled little kid.. and honestly, who will take that seriously... All my accomplishments, the effort, the phone calls, don't mean a lot when they know I can blow up and suddenly act like I'm five...

In many ways, I am the cause of this mess... I should know that when I am not comfortable with a situation, the only thing I can control, and in turn I am responsible for, is my reaction to it.. What I feel, how I react, what I learn...

This year has been full of ups and downs, more than any other one... Maybe because I am more aware of what is wrong, maybe because I am becoming an adult, but no matter what life throws my way, I must not lose perspective... There is a reason, a lesson, a purpose in EVERYTHING we experience.. and the best way to overcome bad karma is to learn from them and come out being better... because if not, the universe will continue putting us in the same situation, until we learn, until we understand...

So here is for a new year, full of moments and lessons, and experiences, and tears, hope, and inspiration, and for new relationships, and old ones, and the 4 babies that are joining our family, and snow days, and my island, and reason, and compassion, and morning coffee, and far away phone calls and living a life split between my reality and my perception... May we all learn the lesson the universe is trying to teach us...

Because I need more glitter...

2008-12-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas is in two days. My favorite time of the year..For the first time in a long time, I don’t have any vacation time left to celebrate.. True, I’ve taken like 7 trips so far, and I will be leaving in two weeks for Dubai… But no real holiday time off.. For a million reasons, the whole Christmas season I was waiting for all year just didn’t happen… and I am ok with it.. This year has been one full of last minute rescheduling, of unexpected good news, of airports, and weddings, and babies, and foreign storytellers whose only purpose was to steal little pieces of my heart as they got into another airplane. In between the ever changing and the constant, in between my island and this city, in between the uncertain, the magic and the reality of my moments, I have come to a place where I am, as much as I have ever been, calm…
Yes, I still have crazy days, days where I question if this is the right decision, staying here, in this job, living this life, away from my island and everything else that happens there… where all I want to do is stay in bed, or leave everything and join the circus… But those days are less frequent; they have diminished from lasting until the day was over and I couldn’t fall back asleep at the end of the day, to fleeting moments of desperate anxiety that I am desperately trying to learn to ignore…

Maybe the Prozac I started taking a few months ago is finally having an effect, or maybe I am finally growing up and it is somehow easier to focus my energy on the important moments, the intense feelings, the essential lessons. But, after all the uncertainty I’ve been through my whole life, for the first time, I see the world from a different perspective… I am trying to “seize the day” rather than let the days pass me by in a flurry of anxious remarks and incomplete projects. Because, sometimes in a misguided attempt to hide my fears and my insecurities, I disconnect the part of myself that craves silence and poems, and I let out all the pain and anger hidden inside of me in very destructive ways… and this became almost like the way I thought things were supposed to happen, dysfunctional has always felt familiar, and we usually gravitate towards the familiar… and being aware of it has only made the process harder, because you keep wondering if there is something seriously fucked up with yourself when you keep doing things that hurt you and those around you. But moments like these, when you are wondering what the hell am I really doing here, force you to take a hard look at yourself, they are the difference between losing yourself to depression or coming out stronger. The choices I make and the way I let things determine my reactions in those moments of self doubt will determine the final outcome.

I need to remind myself to have more weekends like last one, the kind that involve Happy Hour at our usual French Restaurant, some of my favorite girls, a few hours off work Friday afternoon, 3 bottles of wine with a certain guy, cold winter mornings, coffee, smart conversations, beers, the best pizza from a box I’ve EVER had, half a movie, moving boxes, Sophie sleeping all day, and a few pictures. Those are the kind of vacations I really need. Often. Because I get to relax, and then, I can re-connect with myself, I can analyze my behavior, control my reactions, slow down my impulsiveness. Because when I can synchronize my breathing to the pace of the movements around me, I can let all the good in me shine through.

Oh.. and Happy Whatever it is that you celebrate during winter...

I had a few parties this weekend...

2008-12-15T19:52:00.000-08:00

My boss had a party at his house. It is always nice to go because I know all their family, and they ADORE me... Sophie came along...

And as usual, the persians went crazy dancing... Thank god they are cool with me not taking part in the madness.. and Nima's cousins? So cute, it was cool to see them...
I just had a little wine, and I was home by 2am... but Sunday, I could BARELY wake up... and I had already made plans to go to Laury's Christmas party... So I took a shower, picked up some desserts at the persian market, grabbed some vodka and cranberry juice, and I got there 3 hours late, as usual... And too many drinks, tons of food, and a few deserts later...
As you can see, I had a GREAT time.. After this we had the not so brilliant idea to go out to a bar IN LA, in the rain... yeah, we never made it, so back to Laury's it was...

Today we woke up to rain... It took me 1.5 hours to get to the office! Rainy days should be holidays here, seriously, people have NO CLUE how to drive in the rain :0 it has been raining non stop since last night, and it is FREEZING!!! and with my not so fun hangover, I came home early today..and now I'm hanging by the fireplace with Sophie... and freaking out because my trip is in about 2.5 weeks... and I still need to find some winter clothes!! ok, gotta go.

Thanksgiving..

2008-12-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

I was 13 years old, my parents frustrated with our inability to sit still in class... After many therapist visits, hour long conversations, and countless meetings with our teachers, they decided to find us a better school... So there I was... beginning high school away from the familiar... but we all know how I thrive in those kind of environments, the kind where I get to reinvent myself.. so it didn't take long for me to make a few friends (and a bunch of enemies)... and then, somehow, one day I was part of this group... a group of people that not only loved my crazy, but complemented it... this people became my lifeline, my escape... With them I've experienced everything, from school night partying until 4am, to getting the highest test scores, from drunken weekends, to all of them being the most successful, happy people I know, from breakups, cross-country moves, college, tears, kids, holidays, secrets, boyfriends, fights, the best road trips, tons of wine, and everything in between..When Frances told me last year that she was getting married, to Joel, whom she has been dating (on and off, I should said) since we were in High school, I was sooooo happy.. and then a few months later, she calls to tell me that she is pregnant... and then, a month later, that Chachi is pregnant... and that I would not be a maid of honor because she knows I don't really like those things?? OMG, I HAD to fly home...and Fari got me a KILLER dress...and we had been drinking since Friday

It was the BEST Thanksgiving weekend of my life...

...here we are again... 14 years later

some new people that feel like they've been here all along, Lori's girls, trips, the boys, their girlfriends (whom I absolutely ADORE), a few marriages, Hollywood, Law school, oil spills and frequent flier miles between us... but it still feels like we are 13...
So when I think about what I'm grateful in life... besides my family, all the incredible experiences I have been blessed with, my friends here, who have also made me a part of their lives, and my choices, good or bad, but mine... I think of these guys first.. because they have made me who I am.. because every moment we spend together feels like warm summer nights in San Juan, of beach days, of dinners, of happiness, of drunken afternoons, of that special bond of growing up in the same place that we will share forever...

Back to the desert...

2008-11-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

We have been talking about this for a while, and today I finally got us tickets to travel to Dubai... Dubai people, like, in the Middle East..We will be presenting in a conference there in January, and then I am taking a few days off to go to Paris... I am so beyond excited, although I know that this means sleepless nights and extensive meetings for all the holiday period. Things have been tough lately at work, but I have to appreciate that we are still busy, and expanding, considering the mess the world's economy is in... and the fact that I get to chose my projects, and I am doing something I REALLY LOVE... Plus, as much as I complain, there are perks, like the trips, and the experience, and the meetings, and the fact that my boss trusts me enough to put me in charge of operations like this...and in case I need a vacation from this trip, I will be spending four days in Paris on my way back...

It was so hard to choose, because I could technically go anywhere in Europe... But, north of France it will be too cold, Greece?, too risky, fuck I call Greece when I am drunk HERE, god knows I would have just made my way to his village after few ouzos, and Italy? A bit out of the way... The other option was Madrid, but Paris was easier logistically, and way cheaper.. and besides, it might be dangerous to go to Spain alone, I might fall in love with the... ahhh.. buildings.. and then have to stay there ;)

So get ready to hear a lot of complaints about my lack of time, a lot of travel planning ideas which I won't be able to fit into two weeks, and my usual random stories... Oh, and I am leaving for PR on Thursday!!! but more on that later...

This little girl...

2008-11-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

Barely wakes up in the mornings

Hides under the blankets

Sleeps in my bed every night

Loves loves peanut butter

Runs in circles when she gets excited

Loves taking warm baths

Is ALWAYS cold

Barks at every other dog bigger than her

Finally learned how to use the puppy pads

Has changed my life.

And I know it will be sooo hard to leave her here when I go to PR Thursday... I will have to make it up to her with lots of treats and kisses..

...and we are back.

2008-11-18T13:44:00.000-08:00

OMG.. moving is the worst.. I seriously hope this is the LAST time I have to move before I buy a house...in which case I am hiring people to do all the work. The house was sooo dirty when I moved in, I spent a whole week cleaning it. No pics yet, way too much organizing to do. But it is looking AMAZING... and having a whole room for working on my pics?? PRICELES..

In other news, Ita celebrated his birthday, (seriously, was it two weeks ago?) and the morning after we all walked down to the Santa Monica Farmer's Market, which is an AMAZING gathering of people hungover from the previous night, looking to eat some healthy food in order to not feel the guilt that comes from overindulging over the weekend... Oh, wait, maybe that was just us... and speaking about guilt...Genius..

and how lucky is he to have this wife? She has been a part of my favorite girls for a very long time.. I will miss them when they leave for Israel next year...

I promise to update more often... Besides, I have a million things to talk about ;)

I should so make a career out of this...

2008-10-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

In the past three years, I've moved maybe 6 times, and each time I make the place look FABULOUS.. and then I move... and, guess what fellas??? Yep, I'm moving again.. but not far..
The unit below me became available, and I claimed it... How could I let it pass, it has two rooms (hello scraproom!) and a fireplace, a HUGE kitchen, an inner patio for Sophie... heaven... so I began packing already... Next Thursday is when the madness begins. And since I'm ALL for challenges, most of the walls are cherrywood.. yep.. you heard right, none of the white, open, light beach house I so enjoy right now, more like a darker, middle of the woods cabin... but do not despair, I already have a million ideas to make it feel like a vacation house...

Pictures to come as soon as I get the keys...

is it always this humid???

2008-10-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

I've been having headaches for about a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I finally made it to the doctor...after considering a hundred options, which included an MRI, I mentioned I hadn't had my vision checked in like 5 years... So off we go to do a preliminary test...
both eyes I couldn't see the bottom 3 rows of the chart.. cover your left eye.. the same.. cover your right eye... OMFG I can't see the bottom 6 rows... So yeah.. pretty soon I'll be probably sporting a pair of spanking new contacts...
Yep, I love my HMO.. especially when within 3 hours I got a flu shot, 3 tubes of blood drawn, the vision test, more tests, a sinus x-ray, prescriptions AND an order for a sonommamogram...(for which, btw, I have to wait one week)..ahhh..the bliss of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with your body and what to do to fix it...

In other news.. I spent the weekend in Miami...well that is if you don't count an impromptu trip to the middle of nowhere, aka LAKELAND to visit my family.. but it was soooo worth it.. I miss them so much, and it was great to catch up, and have organic food for dinner (which I managed to buy @one of the 5 Whole Foods in all FL, in West Palm Beach..) My uncles, the girls, my aunts, my crazy cousins (although in their book I am the crazy one)... sneaking a bottle of wine with Michaela while we watched my favorite Javier Bardem movie... So.. Miami.. my dad, the sunrise, Jeanellie (whom I miss more everyday)... Breakfast in Coconut Grove with her and Ami, beers with my dad, Saturday night partying (which due to the previously mentioned beers and latin food ended up being a girls only, please don't interrupt us, we are fine at this table, can we have some dinner, and ok, it's almost 5am, we should go kinda night)... My dad cooking for Jeanellie and me, an AMAZING movie (maldeamores, by lovely Benicio).. South Beach... long conversations with my dad.. more wine.. and an early trip to the airport..
and this...a few days of just me and my beloved...who I am afraid to say that ALMOST died on me this weekend... Thank god I have this on my wishlist.

more pics to come...

Sometimes, you just got to smile...

2008-10-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am trying to take a deep breath.. Things just keep getting complicated on my end.. Not only the work situation SUCKS, my family is back into their "let's create a situation to stress Lily out", I have a boy on the other end of the world that I want here right now, the economy is ALMOST sinking us, and I really, really wished I was chilling in the ocean... Now one of my friends is upset at me..

See, I've been TRYING to change my habits... After all, I am an adult now.. and it has been hard... today I was talking to my cousin about our family, and God, are they fucked up or what?? I mean, I LOVE THEM, so so much.. but they have a special talent for loving you and screwing you up equally.. and me.. I've made it my goal before I have a family of my own (mom don't get excited, not in the next 4-10 years) to learn from their mistakes, and cultivate their strengths.. so here I am.. working on myself, on my issues, on my way of seeing the world.. and like a hot greek once told me, "sometimes, when we change, the people around us are indirectly forced to think about themselves and how they act" and if they are not on the same growth path as you, they usually don't like it...

so it is time to move on.. to being a bit more focused on my needs as opposed to everyone else's.. to being, in a way a bit selfish about how I spend my time, thoughts, energy.. After all, since I can't control the world, the only thing I can control is how I react to situations.. And after all, I have a GREAT life..So here it goes.. new beginnings, cherishing my life more, being more grateful, trying to come to terms with how I grew up, and how it defines who I am.. and I know I am in the right path, because every morning, when I wake up in my beach house, and have my coffee, and walk my dog.. I am so grateful for this life, I am so ready to take on the day, I am so eager to make EVERY experience a learning one..

jewish wisdom...

2008-10-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

"When faced with the choice of first healing ourselves or first healing the world, the answer is that we must do both simultaneously"
-Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan

As I have been studying more about religions that attract me, their interconnectedness is astounding. well, I am not what you would consider a "religious person" in any way.. But, in my constant quest for understanding, I've become very interested in Buddhism.. and as I have been learning, it has been surprising how much it relates to Judaism, to science, to psychology.. thus further supporting my way of life, where I try to learn as much as I can about a subject, incorporate what feels right and move on to the next one.. The other day I was reading an interview with a Buddhist monk, where he establishes the same principle... We do not function as individuals, we are part of a whole.. and this quote summarizes my current way of life at its best.. We can not reach a state of fulfillment if we only care for ourselves, we must care for the world at the same time..
Somehow, this view creates a bigger sense of purpose.. I am not here just for me, but for everything else.. I belong to the world, therefore I must care for it as much as I care for myself.. Little things, like eating organic local produce, make me feel better, because I am caring for my body and the environment in equal measure... In my job, I encounter situations everyday where people can chose to do the right thing for the world, thus also benefiting themselves, or they can chose to make those decisions from a selfish standpoint.. looking how they would benefit THEMSELVES, paying little attention to how this hurts their surroundings.. and it saddens me, in a way.. but it also empowers me, to try harder, to use the tools I have to educate them..

When I began developing my company, creating green education program ideas, developing an eco-friendly product from scratch.. people laughed at me.. saying things like, you are so smart, do you think you should invest your energy in something that will make you rich?? well, in the end, I am the one laughing.. even if I never make a dollar out of my projects, I am so so happy I got to do this.. because, in my world, every little thing we can do to help the environment, our communities, our neighbors, our enemies, counts.. if everyone just did a little, can yo imagine how powerful we could be??

However much time you invest in healing yourself, is pointless if you don't work on healing the world, because, seriously, how well can you sleep at night, when you know there are kids DYING everyday because of corrupt governments and bureaucracies?? For how long can yo meditate, when you have seen the pictures of dead soldiers, sick kids, desperate mothers??

So let's try to make our goal this month to, at least, think a bit about the current situation of the world.. about all the damage we have created.. about how we, while we take care of ourselves, can also heal the world..

I have a new therapist…

2008-09-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I HAD to... The previous one kept telling me that as long as I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, or others, I was good… I mean, in his office all the patients looked CRAZY, and I know CRAZY, I can see it a mile away.. so for them, I come in my Mercedes, talking about my job, and Lucy, and this Greek that is occupying my time, and they are like, whatever girl, people are dying out there, toughen up.. So, I got myself a nice lady from Newport Beach, who will be able to relate to my issues…

Why do I go to a therapist you ask? Ok, here is the story.. Since I was little my parents used to take us to therapists, and I guess that in a way, I learned to figure things out by talking about them with someone… The problem was that they couldn’t guide me to find the answers…
Until one day, a doctor told me to read a book.. Adult Children of Alcoholics… OMFG, where had you been all my life??? This book explained, in detail, most of the “behaviors” I considered problematic in me.. Things I knew where not quite right, but I didn’t know why… For example:

They guess at what normal behavior is- I second guess my feelings and behavior CONSTANTLY…
They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end- mmm.. need I say more??
They judge themselves without mercy- even when external situation or people cause problems, I always, at some point, think I am at fault
They have difficulty having fun- Well, it depends, but I feel guilty sometimes if I am just chilling..
They take themselves very seriously- and everyone else better follow their rules ;)
They have difficulty with intimate relationships- from expressing my feelings, my needs, my expectations.. in a way I see it as being vulnerable, and being vulnerable will get you hurt.. So you avoid it, and play cool.. and ignore your feelings, needs and expectation while you try to fulfill everyone else’s…
They overreact to changes over which they have no control- it comes from the fear of abandonment…
They constantly seek approval and affirmation- because, as kids, the effort-reward system was very unstable…
They usually feel that they are different from other people
They are super responsible or super irresponsible- I am super responsible @work, but super irresponsible in my life...
They are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved- even when you know you are not getting what you deserve… when you are giving 200% and you are not getting anything… Also comes from the fear of abandonment.

Since I am in the process of developing routines, identifying negative behaviors, and working on replacing them with positive ones… I need guidance... and the people around me can’t guide me without judging, most of the time, they talk about this problems when they have been the target of my negative behaviors… and for most of them, it is hard to sympathize and understand, because they simply have never been in that situation… I am in a journey to improve my outlook, to calm my fears, to have healthy relationships… and I know sometimes it is hard on the people around me… but I am making progress, huge progress, and all I need is a little bit of patience, a little bit of good energy, a few extra hugs..

So...here is to growing, and understanding, and the freedom to complain to my therapist about unanswered emails, far away phone calls and unreturned kisses..

Where are my pain meds??

2008-09-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

This flu is killing me... even my hair hurts... but I'm happy to report that I only gave in and took flu meds once... (and we are not counting all the wine I've been drinking to help me sleep)..I hope this is the ONLY time I get sick this season.. and because that is the way things are, I get sick on a weekend.. awesome.. I guess laundry can wait..

I saw "Love in the time of cholera" last night.. not a smart choice, considering my current situation..I read this book when I was maybe 11?? Garcia Marquez is one of my all time favorites.. and watching this awesome story, played by the hottest spanish actor of the month, is almost a requirement...

It is basically the story of this guy who falls in love
with a girl and waits 53 years for her.. Yeah, whatever.. Like love like that really happens.. I know a guy who had THE HARDEST time being apart, and after about a month, decided it was too hard for him.. can you imagine waiting 53 years?? Either he REALLY loved her, or those kind of stories never happen in real life.. and I doubt he REALLY loved, her.. after all, he "fell in love with her" after seeing her for about 10 seconds.. Dude, that guy I was talking about knew the girl for ONE WHOLE MONTH before they were apart.. Haha.. like I said, not a
smart move on my part.. I blame it on the flu medicine.. But watching
Javier Bardem half naked was sooooo worth the sadness...In other news... yeah, still sick.. so I'm going to sleep.. I have another movie to watch, and three $20 international calling cards that since I won't be using anymore, I'll probably have to donate to the Red Cross.. but since no hot Spaniards are involved in either, I think it will have to wait another day...

All because I went to Starbucks..

2008-09-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

and I saw that Pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks!!!

It is happening.. My favorite time of the year is here.. The last few nights it has been insanely cold at home... I can't wait to wear winter boots and scarves.. I already began planning Christmas presents.. My snowboard is MORE than ready... and I can't wait to be off work for at least 4 days!!! (given the current situation, that feels like a fucking two months vacation)...

Photo taken September 2007

So many things have changed since last fall.. I moved from LA to OC, had a few bad relationships, took a few trips and definitively worked harder.. But, the best part?? I have learned, cried, worried, waited, laughed, and hoped... Things were particularly hard this last year, but I am sooo happy for EVERYTHING that happened. It has made grow, to the point where I can sleep through the night. It has helped me heal, to the point where I can always come back to my center. It has helped me see, things for what they are, words for what they say, people for how they behave. It has helped me learn to trust myself, to love myself, to respect myself..

We attract people that mirror our faults.. so instead of trying to change other people, I am trying to change myself... Here is to a season full of dinners and warm drinks and presents and kisses and laughter.. and snow..

Opportunities..

2008-09-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

I was reading a book this weekend, about Kabbalah, relationships and learning.. This is a summary of what I learned..

The only way to fulfillment, according to Kabbalah, is when we have a chance to transform the Desire to Receive for the Self alone, into the Desire to Receive for the Sake of Sharing. Everytime you receive energy for yourself alone, you will find negativity and chaos in your life. Being spiritual means you are there for other human beings when they need you. You are prepared to leave your comfort zone to help them.

To achieve this balance you have to be proactive. That means taking responsibility rather than living in a victim mentality or you expect things. But taking responsibility can be scary, so you say “ You know what, there is nothing I can do”. Then you are being reactive, and in that situation, fulfillment, and happiness, seems like a far off dream.

When you worry only about yourself, when you do things thinking about you and not the others, the energy of the universe can not come in to help. After all, “someone” is already looking after you.

We are the ONLY ones that limit ourselves. EVERYTHING in your life happens for a reason. Challenges are intended to help us grow and change. The more arduous the difficulty, the greater the opportunity it offers to grow.

We are on a Spiritual journey. The purpose of our relationships is to help us get to our destination. EFFORT is an expression of a deep desire in the soul. It takes hard work to get emotional and spiritual growth right.

From your soul’s perspective, you are fortunate when a driving force appears that removes you from your comfort zone.. when separation occurs, it is much easy to find fault in something else, rather than being thankful for the opportunity. What you should ask your self is: What should I learn? How am I responsible for what is happening?

It is amazing how very different religious practices have so much in common. Just the other day, I was talking about how your reaction to a situation can turn it from a bad experience, to an opportunity for growth.
The important thing is to not lose perspective... to cultivate awareness... and patience...

May you all have peace.

For my fisherman

2008-09-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

The fires are still burning.. as much as this pain I feel inside
The ocean, in a failed attempt to comfort me..still singing, still whispering
It has taken me miles to get here, and in a second,
everything has been stolen by your smile..by your distance
and I feel nothing, empty, silent...

your kisses, the ones that would heal my soul,
are forever gone in your anger..
and my fears, my darkness
have all just but reappeared

I owe you nothing, I owe you everything
and in a sudden crash of the waves, it is all clear
we share the same madness,
we are part of the same fears

If only I could hear your laugh in the mornings,
your impulsiveness, your intentions
But then I pause and reflect..
your ambiguity is disconcerting
is your love still hibernating?

I have suffered by your silence,
I have struggled with my ego,
I have, for a moment
felt alone and unrelated..

I have wandered, I am waiting,
I have almost drank my tears..

I am sitting here, waiting for your call,
in a desperate attempt to quiet the thoughts
in this nightmare..

Before I forget...

2008-09-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts I needed to let out..

My Mom, my grandma, and my aunt.. I am the baby, and this is the ONLY picture I have of us together..

Looking back at my 4 year old self.. and how strong I've had to be in order to get here..

Before the year ends...

Inventions...

2008-09-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Monday we sent off our patent application. This is a project I have been working on for the past 3 years. 3 years of testing, of hoping, of waiting.. Until we finally got the chance to test it in the field.. There were tears, doubts, hopelessness.. Some people, including those very close to me, don't believe it is real.. I understand.. Somehow admitting that I have done something so big is incomprehensible.. Somehow they think there must be a catch.. But, in the end, we proved we are up for it.. We learned, we struggled, we fought.. and as of today, I am officially an Inventor..

The havoc in my life shadowed a moment that should have been glorious... But after thinking about it, it was even more glorious that we finished, considering the havoc in my life..

Now the only thing to do is prepare, to explain it, to sell it, to make money..but, be ready my friends, this is going to be huge...

2008-09-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

"Let the waters settle, you will see stars and moons mirrored in your being"
Rumi

The way I see it..after this passes, you will be able to see the beauty that surrounds you. After the waters settle, you will also shine, because you will be stronger, wiser, deeper, and a step ahead in your journey... Sometimes, and when we least expect it, life explodes.. Things change, earthquakes happen, people leave... and although our first impulse is to get mad.. mad at life, destiny, someone in particular, life in general... we have to understand that our reality is created in our mind... we, a race that is plagued with calamity, suffering, death, feelings, wars, have the ability to change, not what happens to us, but how we react to it.. we can choose to sulk in our misfortunes, or see them as opportunities for growth.. we can choose to be happy... and we, even when faced with chaos, can be grateful for the experience, can be thankful for the lessons, can choose to learn from them..

Compassion, patience, peace.. are states of the mind... and it takes awareness to get there.. One night in Tel Aviv, over beers, my friend Niv told me this "once you become aware of your problems, they stop being problems, they become opportunities" for growth, for learning, for teaching, for enlightenment..

This has helped me get through god knows how much... This awareness I have developed, by pausing, by listening, by observing, have made me calmer, bolder, less afraid, more in touch with my center. A place I can always go to in the middle of a storm..Going to this familiar place, is like seeing an old friend, like a summer afternoon in the ocean, like the smell of coffee and rum, like humidity in the air, like poems, silences and minutes that feel immensely comforting and always fulfilling, like the feeling you get when everything is ok, like being surrounded by laughter, and dinners and wine...

May we never forget..

2008-08-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

There are no words to describe what I felt during my visit to Yad Vashem.. It is incomprehensible that the world allowed this atrocity to happen.. I have been to a few Holocaust museums, and they are all intense, but being there, surrounded by these people who look exactly like the dead people in the pictures, made this experience an emotionally charged one. I'll let the pictures talk by themselves.

The promised land...

2008-08-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

So...Since a day by day recap is out of the question because: 1) There were days in where, although relaxing, there is not much to talk about, and 2) I have lost track of which day we did what.., I will divide the trip's posts by city...
Let's begin...My first experience of Israel was Tel Aviv.. That magical place, according to my israeli friends, filled with hot israeli men and endless partying, not to mention the beach, and the food.. OK, first thing, these people need to travel more.. I mean, at any given point, if I disregarded the signs in Hebrew I could have sworn I was in PR, in the suburbs that surround Old San Juan.. The weather wasn't as hot as I expected, and the infrastructure is very poor..

But I guess than when all the neighboring countries are trying to eliminate you, rebuilding the city just for aesthetics becomes second priority...

The beach, on the other hand, is amazing... What else would you expect of beaches in the Mediterranean? Although according to a certain Greek the waters here are murky compared to the ones on his end of this sea.. We were staying on Dizengoff, which according to the locals, is the place to be.. kinda central, full of cafes that never close, kinda hip, always busy...I was a 15 minute walk from the beach, and just around the corner there were more restaurants than I could remember.

Here are more pics..

Now, don't get me wrong, this is definitively a magical place, but for a different reason.. This place has a vibe like no other I've experienced. Maybe the constant death threats make the people here really enjoy things.. They live hard..

New York

2008-08-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

I barely slept the two weeks before the trip. A mixture of bad planning, last minute projects, late night dinners, and a certain Greek.. So you can imagine my anxiety when I ALMOST missed my flight.. But I made it, and I got to NY almost at midnight..Poor Sandy was up waiting for me..We talked for hours.. I LOVE LOVE that we have so much in common, that we can share so much, that we are so connected..

The next day we went out and it was so humid and hot, we could only walk around for a while. We decided to take a gypsy cab back home..I am already late, and trying to pack everything, I realize I can't find my phone...When Sandy called we realized that I left it in the cab. Thank God the cab driver was Dominican, and a very honest person, so he came back to bring the phone and give me a ride to the airport...
I made into the flight, barely... I almost lost every single one of my flights..I have to thank my lucky stars that I made all of them..

Currently, and without reservations

2008-08-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

I finally made it out of NYC, after being stuck in a storm of no flights for what seemed like two days... I have had two weeks vacation, and a lot of time to do some soul searching. I visited the most important holy sites for many religions, partied in Tel Aviv until the morning, traveled through the desert, almost missed all of my flights and re-established my priorities. Between all that, I read this article in a magazine:

"Everything, Every thing, sooner or later falls apart and washes away with the tide. The wisest way to hold something is with an open palm. To treat each precious moment as if it is the most important thing in the universe, while also knowing that it is no more important than the moment that comes next."

These words helped me get through last weekend..

In my day to day, and in what I think is a subconscious effort to preserve balance, I don't really deal with situations, responsibilities, emotions. I hide, ignoring them until they either disappear or become an unbearable burden. When we experience something our brain creates an imprint, a series of keywords associated with a feeling, a set of reactions applicable to a situation. As we grow older, our collection of imprints becomes larger, more varied, and in turn it becomes our reference library, the place we go to when we encounter a new situation.

I met a guy about a month ago. He has shifted my perception in a way I never thought possible. He has written me poems, cooked me dinner, held my hand, called me from the other end of the world, and inspired me in every single way. He left me today, only for a little while, to go back to Greece. A trip I always knew about, and one that will take a hundred times more than what it should.

But it was still extremely hard to leave him at the airport terminal, caught up in my own uncertainty, barely awake. Every second I spent with him, since the beginning, but mostly this weekend, I keep in a special place in my heart. From the train ride to the hotel, to the surprise Broadway show, to the dinners, drinks, conversations, smiles and kisses we shared.

Something I wouldn’t have been able to do before, he makes me relax in an instant. Just his presence around me, his stories, the curiosity in his eyes when he is looking at me, immediately take the anxiety away. As much as I wish he was here, I wouldn’t change our situation. Because I know that I perform best when I am surrounded by challenges, when I see how my actions can change the outcome to obtain what I want. So not only will I work harder, but I will focus my energy in what really matters, in what makes me happy...

The trip was intense, powerful, humbling. I have over 5,000 pictures, so I will add a bit every day.

Here is to traveling, and hope, and longing…

On birthday wishes..

2008-07-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday last week. I am 27. An age I thought I would reach living in a different country with a hot millionaire, and a few dogs… But here I am, still living in LA…

A lot has changed in the last year. I read a ton of books, began meditating, broke up with a few good for nothing boyfriends, traveled to Korea, met AMAZING people, moved 3 times, made peace with my father, tried to save the world, and got drunk more times than I can count.

Everything that has happened, the tears, the parties, the letters, the songs, the wine, the learning, the road trips, the dinners, the anticipation, the silence, the moments, the laughter, the random, the questions, the sunshine, the boys, the Hebrew, the concerts, the answers and everything else in between have made me stronger, wiser, more patient, happier, and calmer.

In honor of my turning of age, and officially feeling like an adult, I had a party. Some of my favorite friends were there. The weekend involved dinners and sushi, and drinks, time with the dogs, too many blueberry cupcakes, pedicures, a few ex-boyfriends, presents, shopping, and a certain Greek guy… But more importantly, I realized a lot of things, reconnected with my friends, had a ton of fun, and met an amazing guy..

This was a weekend of happy wishes, and birthday cakes… and realizing that after all, I am living on a beach house, with my doggie, I have lovely friends, a great job, and above all else, peace..

May I have your attention please?

2008-07-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am 9 years old, sitting in the back seat of my parents car. " I want to move to Europe" I say. "When I finish college, I want to move to Europe, maybe France, but I am not living here for the rest of my life". My father looks at me, a smirk across his face, "and how exactly are you planning on doing that? do you think it will be that easy? Stop dreaming and focus on what's important now" he answers. I keep rambling about how I have thought about this, how I spend my hours daydreaming about getting the fuck out, about not having to live there, with them, living this life, I know I am meant to do bigger things, blah blah blah.. They ask me to please shut the fuck up... I've been talking for about an hour..

My parents, although they did the best they could with the tools they had, did a pretty lousy job at parenting. They, unaware of how their traumas, fears, and obsessions were being perceived by us, continued living with them.

Since we were kids, we were taken to therapists, because, "shit there must be something really wrong with this kids, when they misbehave like this, after everything we've done for them." When the therapists mentioned that maybe we were acting this way because my dad was an alcoholic, a functional one, but still a very heavy drinker, and my mom was a bit unstable, they immediately switched doctors.. I remember going to maybe 9 different therapists before I turned 12..

ADD was not widely known back then, and my parents refused to admit they had a problem, so between the constant changing of doctors, the lack of structure in our house, and the fact that we kept getting way above average standardized test scores, a proper diagnosis was never made...

I have spent countless hours in despair looking for my keys/credit card/phone/sunglasses/ipod every week. I've had hundreds of projects in various stages of completion, for years. I've failed so many times in getting to work on time, completing my tasks on schedule, following up on things, keeping my desk organized. My car, house and office look like they have survived a few hurricanes. It takes me days to finish a report, days...and when I finally get to it, I realized it could have been done in about two hours..

I've always been this way, according to my parents, I talk as fast I think, and in my case people, that is pretty fucking fast..

Lately I've been thinking more on how to fix this..It has always been on my "list of things to improve in order to live a happier life", but I hope you understand the irony of that... It has taken me YEARS to get to that item on the list...

My new therapist prescribed me Adderall... I have been taking it for about week... For the first time in my life, I can focus on ONE thing... My sleep pattern has improved to the point I can sleep, like a normal person, 8 hours a night..I have crossed out more items of my "To do" list this week than in the past month..and although I understand the risks associated with taking a methamphetamine, it has been a LIFE SAVER..

So this post is in honor of my newly found attention...May I keep working that To Do List..

2008-07-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met him for dinner. We carry a lot of baggage between us.. Random people stories, understanding more than most of the rest of the world, and an innate ability to put it all together, intertwined with stories, distant thoughts, conclusions. He is the kind of person that when you ask him a question where people would answer “a lot” he actually sits down to calculate it.. I’m the kind of person that uses extreme behaviors to prove that she is in control..

And that same fear is what kept me stuck in relationships with people that were not good for me. Because if I was “better” than them at something, they would never leave me… Thank God I found Eli, and the few months we were together gave me the clarity to see these things, the strength to overcome them.

Today I went to a therapist. A new one. One that mentioned for a moment that I might be bipolar, but then after talking to me for another hour, decided that the problem was my father. One who asked me to relax, and to make a to do list ( a real one) and to not worry about what probably won’t happen.

Things have gotten out of hand recently. The constant worries in my head, that don’t even let me sleep, that hold me back form enjoying Sundays with my friends, and are about nothing in particular. They need to stop. I need to stop.

I don’t know if things will work out with this guy. He gets me, and I get him..
But for now all I can do is have fun, and learn, and listen, and wait.. And take a million pictures in between.

Here is a pic of my two girls.. That although they fight constantly, they can't stand to be apart, and even sleep together..

and then we pretended to be jewish..

2008-06-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

The afternoon began when Lucy realized she left her hairdryer in the car they had towed the night before..an hour before we were suppose to be at birthday party..Thank God for cheap Latin beauty shops all over Silverlake... A beer, 20 minutes and $26 later, we looked decent enough to go out..

The birthday was as usual, a bunch of people we know, tons of food, not enough wine, and the occasional obnoxious Israeli... we made it out of there with enough time to have a drink or two at Elana's before heading out to an Israeli singer's concert after party... which we hoped would be filled with Israelis.. 2 minutes into it..Lucy decided there were no Israelis for her.. She actually said"they are all potheads" I about died laughing because 1) What did you expect and 2)is that a problem for you?
Whatevs...

We decided to stay, and it so happens that there were Israelis, tons of them... not our kind of Israelis, true, but really, did you expect to find accountants and lawyers in here??

For some reason I thought Elana knew him..or maybe she does... In any case, 10 minutes later we were talking about our jobs, our lives... He was amazed by my hebrew, I was amazed that he didn't look like a pothead...

And then we kissed...in between Lucy being upset, Elana getting lost, the band members hitting on us and me getting drunker by the minute...

If this was a practice run for our trip, we have a lot to work on...

In case you didn't know...

2008-06-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

I've been scrapping a lot lately... Well, a lot more than last year anyways...Maybe the fact that I am almost done moving to the beach house, and that I have a small scrap area helps..
But for sure having a photo printer helps a lot...I got this as a Christmas present 3 years ago..I used it maybe 4 times, and now the paper feed won't work..ugh... I will get it fixed as soon as I get a chance... but my complaining about not having a decent printer paid off, and my boss surprised me with this...

Ohh..the LOVE.. I printed 100 4x6 pics in about half an hour...the cost of ink and paper is about the same as getting them printed elsewhere, but there is nothing like instant gratification, and being able to reprint a picture you don't like is priceless...Not to mention that I spent that half hour planning my Korea album, and not walking mindlessly through Target buying more shit that I really don't need... This baby was $100 and it came loaded with inks..so if you have a ton of pics to print I sooo recommend it..

In other news, the trip to Israel is close..very close... I have a month to get in shape.. I mean to get as hot as can be, because the plan is to spend 10 out of the 12 days getting tanned on the beach in Tel Aviv... We are still working out the logistics, but so far it will be me and 3 of my craziest friends, single for two weeks in Israel.. Hopefully the Mossad, the Shabak, and all the other highly specialized, very hot Israelis have been alerted..especially the ones planning to move to LA...

And I discovered a blog I LOOOVEEE... can't remember where, but this girl is an AMAZING artist, photographer, woman... Sooo inspired by her scrappies, her photos, her story..

Sophie is doing great, btw...Today is her first day alone @ home..and she is *almost* potty trained..

Laters..

and the wait is over...

2008-06-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

We heard back from Korea..we might be going back soon.. I just hope it is after the Israel trip..

I thought Sundays were Hangover days...

2008-06-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, as I was trying to hydrate my body after a night of wine and dinners and certain Israeli, Lucy mentions that we should go check out the shelters for a doggie..Mind you, this search can be done online, but to try and be productive, and because of all the things she's going through, I agreed..

We made our way to the closest shelter.. a newly remodeled one, with dogs located outdoors, and with water sprinklers to beat the heat.. After two hours of walking around, we couldn't decide on any dog.. so we left...

On our way home, I mentioned that there was another shelter about ten minutes away..and so we went..It is sooo sad to see this little doggies there...they are, for the most part, so super sweet..

All the dogs I liked were not available, so I went back to the puppies section, and there, in the highest kennel, they had this cute chocolate chihuahua. I asked to see her, and she was shaking soooo much. They told us she had been hit by a car. It was love at first sight, a perfect dog for me...small, beautiful, quite, and lovely...We had to leave her so that she could get spayed..

Since I had a trip to Sac-town for a meeting (more on that later) Lucy picked her up and took care of her. Until last night.. When I got to Silverlake, I saw this:
<<LOVE>>Well, this minus the shirt and collar...She doesn't bark, and we slept together..but she DOES NOT like Yoplait one bit.. She growls and snaps at her all the time..I want them to get used to each other, but because she still has stitches, I'm being careful..oh.. and her name is Sophie..

We are working on her eating habits...She will only eat the wet food, and leave all the kibbles.. No dry treats for this lady..and obviously she isn't potty trained, so we are also working on the puppy pads.. She is so small and quiet, I have her here next to me in the office in her little bag, and no one has even noticed...

Sacramento..what can I say?? The meeting was great, so happy all the stress of preparing for it is over..And I got to spend quality time with my boss, which is always important, because he always gives me the best advice.. even if in the moment it sounds like a ridiculous idea, I've learned to listen to him..And then we took our usual "Let's decompress and talk about the meeting road trip to San Francisco"..One of my favorite cities EVER..

We talked a lot about what things I need to fix..The problem is that I have a company..MY OWN DAMN COMPANY... I have the skills and the knowledge, but for some reason I don't have the motivation to do something... It feels like there are never ending to do lists, and everything is my responsibility... But I understand that the only person that can change that is me.. I've made some changes, but not enough.. so I've decided to spend 2 hours a day on the company's work..advertisement, planning, logistics.. Maybe by the end of the year I'll be working enough to leave my job and focus directly on my company.. It's time to grow up..

I'm Back!!!

2008-06-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

And I have scrappies to prove it..

Work is kicking my ass right now.. We have a huge meeting in Sacramento Tuesday.. wish me luck.. Be back later!

What my name means..

2008-05-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

Found this through another blog...soooo true..

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound.
It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly.
You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time.

Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination.
You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

go here to check it out.. name quiz

2008-05-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today is the 5th mother's day i don't spend with my mom. For some reason when I woke up this morning it seemed like a chore to call her, almost like I was scared to hear that something went wrong. holidays are always hard for me, since I moved out, but specially this one..because it is about my mom..And my mom is not there anymore..at least not all of the time.

Her health is slowly deteriorating.. lately she has more good days than bad, but overall it is a combination of how she feels, what pills she takes an external situations that upset her... It is so random..ANYTHING can trigger a negative response from her..talking to her is so hard, partly because of my inability to make her understand that she can get out of this if she wanted to, partly because deep down inside I am afraid she never will..

Since I can remember she has suffered from some sort of illness, whether imagined or not... Last week the doctor told her she might have stomach cancer... i am still trying to internalize it..The fact that I'm so far away makes it worse... but at least she is aware of what is going on, and she is making changes to improve her quality of life...She stopped smoking, and recently stopped eating meat...

As a scientist I understand the connection between emotional well being and physical well being.. but growing up I could never understand that.. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we had seen it sooner, maybe we could have helped her more..

Besides all the hard times, there is no one else I would have as a mom..everything I am, whether good or bad, I learned from her... and for all the moments, failures, craziness, kisses, long nights, hospital stays, tears, moves, presents, trips, dinners, and everything in between I am grateful..

Today was a great day for her.. I have a big package for her that I'll mail tomorrow..and maybe I will even write her a letter..Here is for more great days for her...and for her to be here for Mother's day next year....

Hello, can I get some tech support here??

2008-05-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

In my office we don't have a networking person. My boss, who we will call Y, in his constant attempt to save money, has decided we should do the work ourselves..Hence the fact that we have no website, no wireless Internet, not even voicemail setup.. It sucks..

Today I got an email for a very important project. Y has been asking for that document for two days. The document was created with office 2007..When I explained to Y, for the 59th time, that I can't open these documents, he got upset...and then he asked, well what office program do you have..and I answered: office crap...

Anyone has any recommendations regarding a good website designer??..I'd like someone local to socal..but for the right price, I'll go with anyone..How about someone who can create a logo?? I have this new product, great idea, environmentally safe cleaning product, but I need a logo...a brand...

There is a new boy around..all lovely and jewish...last night we had a great date..One of those nights full of laughter, and stories and wine..and sleepovers...

And talking about great news, I finally got my ticket to Israel!!! I will be flying to NY to visit my aunt for a day before and a day after I come back..I'll be in HEAVEN the last week of July and the first week of August..

And a picture, because I need to take more...

I'm afraid today is not a good day for lipstick...

2008-05-06T11:26:00.001-07:00

It is not even noon, and so far:

-Woke up an hour late for work
-No hot water (for some stupid reason I forgot to transfer the gas under my name, and they disconnected it..They are coming TOMORROW)
-5 boxes to unpack, a pile of clothes to organize and still no mattress..
-I lost the keys to my office, for the 12th time this year
-my car's service is 3,000 miles overdue
-My coworkers are making my life IMPOSSIBLE...Hello people, get a life of your fucking own..
-I have about 5,000 pictures from Korea to go through and edit...
- I haven't scrapbooked ONCE for the past 3 months..

Time for another coffee..

This guy...

2008-05-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

We met about 3.5 years ago. He had less white hairs and more friends, a new girlfriend and a road full of possibility in front of him.Our relationship has been engulfed in morning coffees, months of fighting, snowboarding lessons, wedding planning, Hebrew music, breakups, midnight conversations, countless stories, and that familiar feeling you get around the people you chose to be your friends. That feeling of being certain that no matter where I am, or what I've done, he'll always be there for me. And through all this he has taught me so much, about life, about him, about myself..For the past three days we have been celebrating his 31st Birthday among wine bottles and tons of food..In a few months he is marrying my best friend, and there is no one in the world I would choose other than him.

2008-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

I met him while training... tall, rugged, piercing blue eyes, polite and Israeli, all in one package..They paired us up, maybe because we were both single, maybe because my friends know my weaknesses. Either way, there we where, flirting, closer than usual..and to think I almost didn't go that morning on account of a 3day hangover.

They told me his story. His girlfriend, whom he had proposed 6 months after meeting her, had left him three weeks before. They had canceled the wedding, gotten back together, and broken up again. Realizing the craziness of my own love life, I mentioned he was hot, and left it at that.

That night during dinner someone mentioned he liked me..they warned him about my partying and my inability to sit still for long periods of time, they warned me about his hunting skills..somehow my friends were confused about which one of us was bolder..and they gave him my number..

The next day he showed up, an orchestrated move by one of our friends, to pick us up for hiking. Halfway through the hike, we ended up alone, and lost. Although I doubted that someone that hikes the same canyon every weekend, and who was an Israeli soldier, could really get lost there, I loved that he pretended to be worried, and that he finally saved us by returning safely to the car. He asked me to come over that night to watch a movie.

As I left his car I offered my number. He got nervous, and mentioned he had gotten it from a friend the day before..

That night I came over, a mixture of wanting to sleep over, should I even be here, and wondering if he would be as interesting as they promised.

We talked about the past, about relationships, about our parents, our countries, our fears, our conquests..Finally exhausted from the weekend and the wine, I thanked him, for being honest, for not being judgmental, he thanked me for taking chances, for understanding.. and right then I realized that we were not going anywhere...

What is different this night from all the other nights??

2008-04-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Not much really, because we have been drinking every night since Wednesday...but it was so nice to be with them this weekend..Even Raz came over after his seder..The only one missing was Lucy...

Between Boot Camp trainning, cooking tons of food, studying, drinking over 8 bottles of wine (just me), passover, and hiking in the canyons we managed to share a lot of stories and a million laughs..

And yes..I passed Shloma's kitchen test and was allowed to make the matzah balls for the soup...

and sometimes I forget to smile...

2008-04-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Here, my friends, is an update...I took over 3,000 pictures, so I'll be posting them from time to time..I have to go back and edit them..all of these are straight out of the camera..

Since we were already there, they took the opportunity to take us to visit the rock mines...and you know me, I'm always up for a challenge. So we drove about 3 hours south, to the mines, to take samples of the water and soil. Most of the mines in the area are abandoned, and heavy metals waste is everywhere. When it rains the water carries these pollutants down to the rivers, and renders them unusable.People live in these houses..at the base of the mine..at least they have a satellite dish...

The houses have beautiful brightly colored roofs.

The Fish drying out in the sun in the town
Market in Taean.

The Fish Tanks...In every restaurant in Taean, and some in Seoul, they have these tanks. They hold all sorts of weird sea life, from crabs, to eels, to things straight out of a National Geographic Magazine.

The lanterns were part of the Lotus Lantern Festival, celebrated every year for Buddha's Birthday. It is celebrated on the 8th day of the 4th month..These hanging in Bongeunsa, one of the major temples in Korea...so so lucky to have been there for that date.

Nandaemun Market...a huge market, covering over 10 acres..Filled with stores, stalls, street vendors, and food. You can find everything here, shoes, clothes, bags, Ginseng, Makeup..

Being there was such an amazing experience. The sights, the people, the language, the sounds...things so foreign three weeks ago, have now become a part of who I am, of my own personal history...A little reminder of all the happiness there is out there for me to find..

I'm Back!!

2008-04-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

After so many days of hard work and no internet, I'm back in LA!! Will update soon!!

Korea, Day 2

2008-03-30T01:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to sleep at around 9pm, so it was easy to wake up @7 for a meeting. We visited the site again, and by coincidence, or like the koreans said, because god is smiling at us, a truck from a pump company stopped by. They had the equipment we need, and they even gave us a demonstration. So they ordered it for us, and we should have it Tuesday to begin the pilot testing..

For breakfast we tried to buy what we usually eat, but these people DO NOT eat bread!! So we had ribs, soup, vegetables, rice and beans..it was surprisingly good.. For lunch, since they were going to a seafood restaurant, one of the drivers offered to take me to get burgers.. We drove half an hour, and we arrived at a fastfood place.. I managed to order by myself, but you know I only ate the fries.. Then we went to get bread, I finally found a bakery.. Mr. Lee, the driver, barely speaks english, and it was just like in the movies. He would open doors for me, carry my bags, and he even took me to a super to buy honey..which, besides the fact that it was sooo hard to find, only comes in big bottles, and it cost $9.. When you can get good food for $5, that is probably a luxury..

People here live so differently. In this part of the country people live off farming and fishing.. They are very strong people, but at the same time, very welcoming and nice.. The oil spill has affected them so much.. There have been many suicides.. The workers at the cleanup site look at us warily.. They are scared to lose the only income they are getting, because they can't fish anymore.. The language and cultural make it harder for us to explain that we want to help them.. They are understandably curious and careful, and every time we show up at the sites everyone looks at us, and you can see the questions, the feeling of uncertainty and despair on their eyes.. I hope we can help them..

Korea, Day 1

2008-03-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've been awake for more than 36 hours, but we made it here safely. As soon as we landed we began a long ass day full of meetings. The efficiency of the Koreans is astounding... There are glasses on the tables @ immigration next to the pens, so in case that you don't have yours, you can see what you are writing..There are tons of apartments, most of which are rented for $50,000, but when you move, you get that money back, the landlord takes as rent the interest on that money...
There is a Starbucks next to The Coffee Bean, in case that you can't make up your mind...

At the beach park, there is a service station like this...in case you forgot yours.. I'm sure I'll keep seeing signs of how efficient these people are...

But anyways, what we came to do...This is in Taean.. We are doing the first pilot testings here... this is what it looks like now, after 4 months of intensive work by more than 1 million volunteers...The papers are to collect the oil, but by using this, they are just generating more waste...

It is pretty bad, but don't fear, because we are confident in our ability to clean it up...by the way, the food sucks...but I'll update more on that tomorrow..

The lives of others

2008-03-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today has been the most productive day ever!!!

Woke up @8:30am
Went to Yoga for 1.5 hours!
Picked-up the clothes from the cleaners
Scheduled two dates for today, and one for tomorrow (hey, it might be my last weekend here ;)
Returned the overdue books to the library ( I wonder if I'm really saving money by borrowing books I end up returning two weeks later)
Now I'm having coffee and working on the homework from one of the three grad classes I'm taking (because I was not busy enough).

I saw this movie last week..

An amazing movie. One of those movies that, whether for the depth of the story, or because we know that it really happened, captivates you to no end. And something I'm really working on, understanding how others live. It helps me develop compassion, and gratefulness, as I realize more each day how lucky I am.

We are leaving for Korea next Wednesday, and between buying equipment, last minute meetings, calming down my boss, trying to figure out if they are just going to torture me until I tell them how to do the job (kidding!), and packing, I barely have had time to breathe..

By the way, what the heck am I supposed to wear??? It says the weather is similar to here, springy, more humid...but I have to keep in mind that I might be going to dinners, meetings, government functions, press conferences...and oil..so basically everything I take with me will probably come back either dirty or completely ruined...Oh well, as long as I get the account, (I mean, as long as we can help the people of Korea)....

Praying that this will not be the view from my hotel...

You can find more pictures and more info here.

I'll keep the blog updated while I'm there with pictures...If there is internet...

And today I'm starting my daily blessings...although maybe for me they will be more like weekly, but hey, it's the fact that I'm more aware that counts..

Today's

Free internet @ corner bakery ( if I could only skip the bagels)
The nicest weather I will see in the next two weeks
That my mom's breast surgery went fine, and everything is negative
The opportunity to work in one of the biggest projects in my field..and helping the environment
The fact that even though every single one of our employees is having issues with me, my boss supports me 120% and the wisdom I have acquired to see that they are just unhappy with themselves, and I can't let that bring me down.

Because everyone should know

2008-03-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

this guy.

Such a powerful way to put things into perspective. Nothing like a dose of awareness early in the morning. The photography is amazing and beautiful. But it is really about the message. How the rest of the world is struggling. How there is poverty, despair, sadness and hunger all over the world. How sometimes we get so caught up in our movie stars, and our cars, and this life, that we forget about what really matters, about those who really suffer, about how vital it is to help them.

While trying to figure things out..

2008-03-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

I read this:

" There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"

And thank god someone understands. There are moments when that is the only thing left. In order to save yourself. Keeping your feelings inside, will only destroy you. They were meant to be felt. And then when it is over you realize it wasn't so bad.

A lot of times people criticize me because of my ability to " lose control", but, is it really helpful if I keep these feelings, happy or sad, inside? carrying them around, afraid that they will show up all at the same time.

I realized this early on. Although this behavior has brought me a few enemies, it has brought me peace. And that doesn't mean losing control over everything, it means that when strong feelings arise, the best way to deal with them is to experience them. To focus on them for a few minutes. Only then we can understand what they are, and only then we can go back to our calm self.

Korea...

2008-02-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

Up until a month ago, my experience with anything that had to do with Korea was that I lived 10 minutes from Koreatown and had been to a couple Korean BBQ restaurants...Then we got a chance to bid for a job there...

Well yesterday I got news that our proposal was approved, and that we were expected to be there in three weeks....I am beyond excited!! I can't talk about the project much, but our success in this site will have mayor implications in environmental regulations in Korea, not to mention that my current employment situation will go from good to incredibly lucky vice president...

So please say a prayer for me and my team...so that we are safe, and all goes well..and that in case things don't work out as expected, we are allowed to return back home...

What lies ahead

2008-02-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

E and me are no longer together...It was a decision we both made..our lives were headed in two different directions, and there was no point in continuing with this....I've been in enough relationships to identify that point of no turning back. The point were you begin hurting each other, a point that will forever be etched in the back of your mind, and that no matter what, you will always be resentful for..

So before we got there, we decided to stop.. We get along great, and we have both learned so much in the past four months, we have grown together...but I have plans, bigger plans than him, and he knew that I have worked very hard to get here, and that I would not give up any job opportunities, or change my career, or even move, for anybody... His job is dependent on so much, he could be transferred to the end of the world at any time..so much inestability...that he couldn't handle the pressure...

Plus lets be honest, no problem is big enough if there is enough love, if you want it enough...I know this for a fact...I just have to want things, and one way or another, I make them happen...but when you have not been able to develop a strong enough foundation, and we had not, it is hard to see things working out amidst all this chaos...

I love this guy, he has a compassionate soul, such a sweet, honest person...someone that taught me so much about myself, someone that helped me and supported me in dealing with my past issues...someone that took away all my baggage...and I'd much rather keep him around, as a good friend, as someone I can trust, someone to accompany me in this quest for enlightenment, than have him become one more on my list of failed relationships and bad decisions..

So here's to the future, and to learning, and to being single and enjoying it...

Besides, everything happens for a reason, and in 5 months I have a trip to Israel, and God, being so wise, saw this land full of natural beauty and hot men and that is the reason why he called it PARADISE...

Happy Hour...

2008-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

This weekend was so much fun!! I got to see the girls every day this weekend...here are some pictures...

@ The Grove after Happy Hour...we decided it'd be fun to watch a movie...We saw Fool's Gold...it was so boring..thank god we brought champagne bottles into the theater...

Lucy and Raz. Saturday night we had dinner at Bandera...I am so happy for these two and the wedding... Even if I have to bee in the middle of their fighting for the wedding preparations...

After dinner we went to a Kareoke bar in Korea Town...it was soo much fun..And I'm sooo happy I'm hanging out with this girl again...

These are the Happy Hour girls!! We have been friends for more than 3 years...I am so happy to have them. They are such amazing people...

In six months.....

2008-02-04T15:33:00.000-08:00

I will be HERE!!!

I can't hardly wait!!! We began making arrangements this weekend...Lucy's wedding will be in Rehovot..but we will be staying in Tel Aviv...So AWESOME!!

I spent all weekend with her making the Save the Date cards...will post them soon...

The tickets are sooo expensive though, we are trying to figure out a way to get a group discount..any ideas please let me know... Other than that, I have 6 months to get in shape, practice Hebrew and figure out where I want to go in the two weeks we will be there....

2008-01-22T22:46:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I saw him..The Patriot, he was Mel Gibson's oldest son. It was love at first sight..This made me soo incredibly sad today. Rest in peace boy.

I guess I don't feel like working...

2008-01-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

Even though I have 17 billion things to do, I have spent the last hour reading blogs online...

I have new faves..

- These cards rock!

-Loving her writing...

-This is how I want my pictures to look like after a shoot...

- So true, and at the same time so funny

Looking forward to finishing up 3 reports, 2 meetings, and finalize the business plan...wish me luck!

St. Regis..

2008-01-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

E is FINALLY done with test #3 for the CPA license...I can't wait untill he is done with them ALL...So to celebrate, and to decompress we took alittle trip down to Dana Point to stay @ the St. Regis...Can I just say OMG!!! It was soo pretty...Although ridiculously overpriced...

We stayed there 3 days, and we went to the beach and the pool...It was a much needed vacation...

OK...off to work, if I finish I get to go to Oasis!!..Will post some scrappies later (its about time)...

New year, new plans

2008-01-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

Wow! This year went by so fast! So many changes, so busy, so ready to begin 2008.

We had a quiet New Year's Eve, which included dinner at Roy and Patricia's and watching the fireworks from the deck at the Marina with E's friends, and then drinks for just the two of us back at the apartment.

Last year my resolution was to SIMPLIFY. Learn to live with less, reduce my carbon footprint, live a simple, less stressed life. It was hard, tons of changes, but I feel I have accomplished it in so many ways.

I have moved to a smaller (way smaller) place.
I have purged and organized (and I have tons more to do)
I make better shopping decisions.
I am (for the first time) sticking to a budget.
I am paying off my credit cards and student loans.
I am recycling.
I opened an Environmental Remediation Company (my biggest achievement of the year)

But most of all, I have gotten rid of the feeling to need more.

This year, I am focusing on taking care of things, getting them done. I will focus on ACCOMPLISHING.

It is my word for 2008. And this is how I want to begin the year...

Christmas in the snow, kinda

2007-12-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

Since E has been studying non-stop for his test, we could only take two days off to celebrate Christmas, so we went to Big Bear...

We left very early Monday morning, and I drove while he took turns studying and sleeping..

It was hot...so hot I was boarding without my gloves..there was barely no snow, and I expected it to be very crowded, but it was almost empty...so nice..

We had reserved at the last minute a cabin... and it had an old Red Shed in the backyard...we took about 600 pictures...I'll post some when I'm done editing...

Afghanistan

2007-12-17T22:57:00.000-08:00

I read The Kite Runner about 3 years ago. It was one of those books that you just HAVE to finish... and I finished reading it in one day. We went to see the movie last Sunday night. It was one of those movies that portrays the book amazingly. All the important and relevant parts are shown, the end is not rushed, and the cinematography is to die for. And it gives the oppressed people of Afghanistan a face, a name. It brings home, through a story about friendship and love, a picture of what their reality was, and how scared and confused they were, while continue being human, and facing all the doubts and hopes and aspirations we have. The desire to belong, loyalty, wanting to be accepted, guilt.

When the US decided to invade Afghanistan, the American people knew very little about the Taliban, or the oppression present in that country. Or how they had been oppressed for years, invaded by so many others. For me it all seemed so surreal, watching them on tv, their suffering, their hopelessness. I tried to learn as much as I could about them, trying to find a logical explanation of why they were in that situation, what had brought them to that position, where religious extremists controlled their country, their everyday, their lives.

In his second book, Khaled Hosseini goes deeper into the political situation of Afghanistan. It was such a sad book. How these women live. With no hope, forced to not exist. With no rights, no future, no education, and in constant fear. And it was so much more touching for me. How did the world allow this to happen. How can we sit here sipping martinis on a rooftop bar, and driving our expensive cars, and worrying about who wore what, when these atrocities were going on?? How do these things take place, still, all around the world?? What can I do to change that, to help them??

Sadly there is not much to be done, in most of these countries the governments are so corrupt and unstable, that help barely makes it to the ones who need it most. I have always opposed war. And whatever reasons Bush had to invade Afghanistan i don't really trust. But the fact that, despite the rise in violence, and the obvious destruction that comes with war, freedom was restored, is comforting. The thought that while not completely free, they have more liberties, more happy moments, and ultimately more hope, makes me feel that not all is lost for them.

So this year, in the light of this newfound awareness, I am celebrating the Holidays in a different way. I have been modifying my lifestyle. Trying to live simpler. Not buying so much, and concentrating on what is really important. Instead of expensive presents, I am making meaningful presents for everyone...Letters, pictures, paintings..Things that evoke emotion, and gratitude... We are so blessed to live here, to have all this...Freedom, Peace, Rights...And we should always remember to be grateful, every single day.

Music...and Hannukah..

2007-12-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

After asking for 5279 times why we are not having Hannukah, finally Eli gave in and bought some candles...This was my first time celebrating Hannukah here in LA..E made latkes (from scratch) and his friends came over...

And Sunday, after shopping all day, we went to Guitar Center to trade in his Bass...and as a reward for sitting there without complaining for 3hours...I got a concert for free...The new Bass is soooo much cooler...and he got a new amp to go with it...which makes it sound so much better...

The Beach...

2007-11-26T18:34:00.001-08:00

A couple weeks ago, we spent the day walking from Marina to Venice to get breakfast. On our way back, we snapped a few pics..

Love the lens flare

I took this picture of us...I've quite mastered the art of taking cool
pictures of myself with my super big camera...

And thanks for the comments, it's cool to know that someone other than my parents is reading this ;-)

Thanksgiving....

2007-11-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

This was my first year of not having a big event for Thanksgiving...I decided to just cook dinner and hang out at E's house. He is studying for the CPA license in California, and I was assigned a project in the valley, so neither of us had time or energy to host a party. After what seemed like countless trips to Whole Foods, and looking up a million recipes, I got to work...

A 9lb turkey, with my specialty cranberry, walnut, mushrooms stuffing, and butternut squash with caramelized onions...And the BEST pumpkin pie recipe ever!!
This year I have tons of things to be grateful for...my family, my friends, our health...but above all I am most grateful for the path I've had to cross to get here, and how much I have learned and grown, specially in the last few years of living in LA. And who I am is something I am grateful for every. single. day. I miss my family, and half my friends are not here with me, but it has been so fulfilling to have my own holidays, to begin my own traditions, TO FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF, to not try to please everyone, and for once, to celebrate, just for me...

Lately...

2007-10-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am ALMOST done with the moving situation. Now if I could only find an apartment, it would be all good...It is bittersweet to be leaving the city. I loved living there, but I also need to be closer to the office. So to OC it is, at least until January...

@The Standard Downtown

A trip to PR is in order..Frances has been visiting for the past few days, and somehow spending time with my childhood friends has reminded me how much I miss them...

And the new boy made an amazing dinner that earned him 100 brownie points...

I finally did it....

2007-09-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Getting a blog that is...man, and to think I know more about computers than most people..I guess I didn't want to begin it, and then not update it... But after much thinking, I decided it will be fun..So here it is...