We have been talking about this for a while, and today I finally got us tickets to travel to Dubai... Dubai people, like, in the Middle East..We will be presenting in a conference there in January, and then I am taking a few days off to go to Paris... I am so beyond excited, although I know that this means sleepless nights and extensive meetings for all the holiday period. 
Things have been tough lately at work, but I have to appreciate that we are still busy, and expanding, considering the mess the world's economy is in... and the fact that I get to chose my projects, and I am doing something I REALLY LOVE... Plus, as much as I complain, there are perks, like the trips, and the experience, and the meetings, and the fact that my boss trusts me enough to put me in charge of operations like this...and in case I need a vacation from this trip, I will be spending four days in Paris on my way back...
It was so hard to choose, because I could technically go anywhere in Europe... But, north of France it will be too cold, Greece?, too risky, fuck I call Greece when I am drunk HERE, god knows I would have just made my way to his village after few ouzos, and Italy? A bit out of the way... The other option was Madrid, but Paris was easier logistically, and way cheaper.. and besides, it might be dangerous to go to Spain alone, I might fall in love with the... ahhh.. buildings.. and then have to stay there ;)
So get ready to hear a lot of complaints about my lack of time, a lot of travel planning ideas which I won't be able to fit into two weeks, and my usual random stories... Oh, and I am leaving for PR on Thursday!!! but more on that later...
OMG.. moving is the worst.. I seriously hope this is the LAST time I have to move before I buy a house...in which case I am hiring people to do all the work. The house was sooo dirty when I moved in, I spent a whole week cleaning it. No pics yet, way too much organizing to do. But it is looking AMAZING... and having a whole room for working on my pics?? PRICELES..
Genius..
In the past three years, I've moved maybe 6 times, and each time I make the place look FABULOUS.. and then I move... and, guess what fellas??? Yep, I'm moving again.. but not far..
The unit below me became available, and I claimed it... How could I let it pass, it has two rooms (hello scraproom!) and a fireplace, a HUGE kitchen, an inner patio for Sophie... heaven... so I began packing already... Next Thursday is when the madness begins. And since I'm ALL for challenges, most of the walls are cherrywood.. yep.. you heard right, none of the white, open, light beach house I so enjoy right now, more like a darker, middle of the woods cabin... but do not despair, I already have a million ideas to make it feel like a vacation house...
Pictures to come as soon as I get the keys...
I've been having headaches for about a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I finally made it to the doctor...after considering a hundred options, which included an MRI, I mentioned I hadn't had my vision checked in like 5 years... So off we go to do a preliminary test...
both eyes I couldn't see the bottom 3 rows of the chart.. cover your left eye.. the same.. cover your right eye... OMFG I can't see the bottom 6 rows... So yeah.. pretty soon I'll be probably sporting a pair of spanking new contacts...
Yep, I love my HMO.. especially when within 3 hours I got a flu shot, 3 tubes of blood drawn, the vision test, more tests, a sinus x-ray, prescriptions AND an order for a sonommamogram...(for which, btw, I have to wait one week)..ahhh..the bliss of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with your body and what to do to fix it...
In other news.. I spent the weekend in Miami...
well that is if you don't count an impromptu trip to the middle of nowhere, aka LAKELAND to visit my family.. but it was soooo worth it.. I miss them so much, and it was great to catch up, and have organic food for dinner (which I managed to buy @one of the 5 Whole Foods in all FL, in West Palm Beach..) My uncles, the girls, my aunts, my crazy cousins (although in their book I am the crazy one)... sneaking a bottle of wine with Michaela while we watched my favorite Javier Bardem movie... So.. Miami.. my dad, the sunrise, Jeanellie (whom I miss more everyday)... Breakfast in Coconut Grove with her and Ami, beers with my dad, Saturday night partying (which due to the previously mentioned beers and latin food ended up being a girls only, please don't interrupt us, we are fine at this table, can we have some dinner, and ok, it's almost 5am, we should go kinda night)... My dad cooking for Jeanellie and me, an AMAZING movie (maldeamores, by lovely Benicio).. South Beach... long conversations with my dad.. more wine.. and an early trip to the airport..
and this...
a few days of just me and my beloved...who I am afraid to say that ALMOST died on me this weekend... Thank god I have this on my wishlist.
more pics to come...
I am trying to take a deep breath.. Things just keep getting complicated on my end.. Not only the work situation SUCKS, my family is back into their "let's create a situation to stress Lily out", I have a boy on the other end of the world that I want here right now, the economy is ALMOST sinking us, and I really, really wished I was chilling in the ocean... Now one of my friends is upset at me..
See, I've been TRYING to change my habits... After all, I am an adult now.. and it has been hard... today I was talking to my cousin about our family, and God, are they fucked up or what?? I mean, I LOVE THEM, so so much.. but they have a special talent for loving you and screwing you up equally.. and me.. I've made it my goal before I have a family of my own (mom don't get excited, not in the next 4-10 years) to learn from their mistakes, and cultivate their strengths.. so here I am.. working on myself, on my issues, on my way of seeing the world.. and like a hot greek once told me, "sometimes, when we change, the people around us are indirectly forced to think about themselves and how they act" and if they are not on the same growth path as you, they usually don't like it...
so it is time to move on.. to being a bit more focused on my needs as opposed to everyone else's.. to being, in a way a bit selfish about how I spend my time, thoughts, energy.. After all, since I can't control the world, the only thing I can control is how I react to situations.. And after all, I have a GREAT life..
So here it goes.. new beginnings, cherishing my life more, being more grateful, trying to come to terms with how I grew up, and how it defines who I am.. and I know I am in the right path, because every morning, when I wake up in my beach house, and have my coffee, and walk my dog.. I am so grateful for this life, I am so ready to take on the day, I am so eager to make EVERY experience a learning one..
"When faced with the choice of first healing ourselves or first healing the world, the answer is that we must do both simultaneously"
-Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan
As I have been studying more about religions that attract me, their interconnectedness is astounding. well, I am not what you would consider a "religious person" in any way.. But, in my constant quest for understanding, I've become very interested in Buddhism.. and as I have been learning, it has been surprising how much it relates to Judaism, to science, to psychology.. thus further supporting my way of life, where I try to learn as much as I can about a subject, incorporate what feels right and move on to the next one.. The other day I was reading an interview with a Buddhist monk, where he establishes the same principle... We do not function as individuals, we are part of a whole.. and this quote summarizes my current way of life at its best.. We can not reach a state of fulfillment if we only care for ourselves, we must care for the world at the same time..
Somehow, this view creates a bigger sense of purpose.. I am not here just for me, but for everything else.. I belong to the world, therefore I must care for it as much as I care for myself.. Little things, like eating organic local produce, make me feel better, because I am caring for my body and the environment in equal measure... In my job, I encounter situations everyday where people can chose to do the right thing for the world, thus also benefiting themselves, or they can chose to make those decisions from a selfish standpoint.. looking how they would benefit THEMSELVES, paying little attention to how this hurts their surroundings.. and it saddens me, in a way.. but it also empowers me, to try harder, to use the tools I have to educate them..
When I began developing my company, creating green education program ideas, developing an eco-friendly product from scratch.. people laughed at me.. saying things like, you are so smart, do you think you should invest your energy in something that will make you rich?? well, in the end, I am the one laughing.. even if I never make a dollar out of my projects, I am so so happy I got to do this.. because, in my world, every little thing we can do to help the environment, our communities, our neighbors, our enemies, counts.. if everyone just did a little, can yo imagine how powerful we could be??
However much time you invest in healing yourself, is pointless if you don't work on healing the world, because, seriously, how well can you sleep at night, when you know there are kids DYING everyday because of corrupt governments and bureaucracies?? For how long can yo meditate, when you have seen the pictures of dead soldiers, sick kids, desperate mothers??
So let's try to make our goal this month to, at least, think a bit about the current situation of the world.. about all the damage we have created.. about how we, while we take care of ourselves, can also heal the world..
I HAD to... The previous one kept telling me that as long as I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, or others, I was good… I mean, in his office all the patients looked CRAZY, and I know CRAZY, I can see it a mile away.. so for them, I come in my Mercedes, talking about my job, and Lucy, and this Greek that is occupying my time, and they are like, whatever girl, people are dying out there, toughen up.. So, I got myself a nice lady from Newport Beach, who will be able to relate to my issues…
Why do I go to a therapist you ask? Ok, here is the story.. Since I was little my parents used to take us to therapists, and I guess that in a way, I learned to figure things out by talking about them with someone… The problem was that they couldn’t guide me to find the answers…
Until one day, a doctor told me to read a book.. Adult Children of Alcoholics… OMFG, where had you been all my life??? This book explained, in detail, most of the “behaviors” I considered problematic in me.. Things I knew where not quite right, but I didn’t know why… For example:
They guess at what normal behavior is- I second guess my feelings and behavior CONSTANTLY…
They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end- mmm.. need I say more??
They judge themselves without mercy- even when external situation or people cause problems, I always, at some point, think I am at fault
They have difficulty having fun- Well, it depends, but I feel guilty sometimes if I am just chilling..
They take themselves very seriously- and everyone else better follow their rules ;)
They have difficulty with intimate relationships- from expressing my feelings, my needs, my expectations.. in a way I see it as being vulnerable, and being vulnerable will get you hurt.. So you avoid it, and play cool.. and ignore your feelings, needs and expectation while you try to fulfill everyone else’s…
They overreact to changes over which they have no control- it comes from the fear of abandonment…
They constantly seek approval and affirmation- because, as kids, the effort-reward system was very unstable…
They usually feel that they are different from other people
They are super responsible or super irresponsible- I am super responsible @work, but super irresponsible in my life...
They are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved- even when you know you are not getting what you deserve… when you are giving 200% and you are not getting anything… Also comes from the fear of abandonment.
Since I am in the process of developing routines, identifying negative behaviors, and working on replacing them with positive ones… I need guidance... and the people around me can’t guide me without judging, most of the time, they talk about this problems when they have been the target of my negative behaviors… and for most of them, it is hard to sympathize and understand, because they simply have never been in that situation… I am in a journey to improve my outlook, to calm my fears, to have healthy relationships… and I know sometimes it is hard on the people around me… but I am making progress, huge progress, and all I need is a little bit of patience, a little bit of good energy, a few extra hugs..
So...here is to growing, and understanding, and the freedom to complain to my therapist about unanswered emails, far away phone calls and unreturned kisses..
This flu is killing me... even my hair hurts... but I'm happy to report that I only gave in and took flu meds once... (and we are not counting all the wine I've been drinking to help me sleep)..I hope this is the ONLY time I get sick this season.. and because that is the way things are, I get sick on a weekend.. awesome.. I guess laundry can wait..
I saw "Love in the time of cholera" last night.. not a smart choice, considering my current situation..I read this book when I was maybe 11?? Garcia Marquez is one of my all time favorites.. and watching this awesome story, played by the hottest spanish actor of the month, is almost a requirement...
It is basically the story of this guy who falls in love
with a girl and waits 53 years for her.. Yeah, whatever.. Like love like that really happens.. I know a guy who had THE HARDEST time being apart, and after about a month, decided it was too hard for him.. can you imagine waiting 53 years?? Either he REALLY loved her, or those kind of stories never happen in real life.. and I doubt he REALLY loved, her.. after all, he "fell in love with her" after seeing her for about 10 seconds.. Dude, that guy I was talking about knew the girl for ONE WHOLE MONTH before they were apart.. Haha.. like I said, not a
smart move on my part.. I blame it on the flu medicine.. But watching
Javier Bardem half naked was sooooo worth the sadness...
In other news... yeah, still sick.. so I'm going to sleep.. I have another movie to watch, and three $20 international calling cards that since I won't be using anymore, I'll probably have to donate to the Red Cross.. but since no hot Spaniards are involved in either, I think it will have to wait another day...
and I saw that Pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks!!!
It is happening.. My favorite time of the year is here.. The last few nights it has been insanely cold at home... I can't wait to wear winter boots and scarves.. I already began planning Christmas presents.. My snowboard is MORE than ready... and I can't wait to be off work for at least 4 days!!! (given the current situation, that feels like a fucking two months vacation)...
Photo taken September 2007We attract people that mirror our faults.. so instead of trying to change other people, I am trying to change myself... Here is to a season full of dinners and warm drinks and presents and kisses and laughter.. and snow..
I was reading a book this weekend, about Kabbalah, relationships and learning.. This is a summary of what I learned..
The only way to fulfillment, according to Kabbalah, is when we have a chance to transform the Desire to Receive for the Self alone, into the Desire to Receive for the Sake of Sharing. Everytime you receive energy for yourself alone, you will find negativity and chaos in your life. Being spiritual means you are there for other human beings when they need you. You are prepared to leave your comfort zone to help them.
To achieve this balance you have to be proactive. That means taking responsibility rather than living in a victim mentality or you expect things. But taking responsibility can be scary, so you say “ You know what, there is nothing I can do”. Then you are being reactive, and in that situation, fulfillment, and happiness, seems like a far off dream.
When you worry only about yourself, when you do things thinking about you and not the others, the energy of the universe can not come in to help. After all, “someone” is already looking after you.
We are the ONLY ones that limit ourselves. EVERYTHING in your life happens for a reason. Challenges are intended to help us grow and change. The more arduous the difficulty, the greater the opportunity it offers to grow.
We are on a Spiritual journey. The purpose of our relationships is to help us get to our destination. EFFORT is an expression of a deep desire in the soul. It takes hard work to get emotional and spiritual growth right.
From your soul’s perspective, you are fortunate when a driving force appears that removes you from your comfort zone.. when separation occurs, it is much easy to find fault in something else, rather than being thankful for the opportunity. What you should ask your self is: What should I learn? How am I responsible for what is happening?
It is amazing how very different religious practices have so much in common. Just the other day, I was talking about how your reaction to a situation can turn it from a bad experience, to an opportunity for growth.
The important thing is to not lose perspective... to cultivate awareness... and patience...
May you all have peace.
The fires are still burning.. as much as this pain I feel inside
The ocean, in a failed attempt to comfort me..still singing, still whispering
It has taken me miles to get here, and in a second,
everything has been stolen by your smile..by your distance
and I feel nothing, empty, silent...
your kisses, the ones that would heal my soul,
are forever gone in your anger..
and my fears, my darkness
have all just but reappeared
I owe you nothing, I owe you everything
and in a sudden crash of the waves, it is all clear
we share the same madness,
we are part of the same fears
If only I could hear your laugh in the mornings,
your impulsiveness, your intentions
But then I pause and reflect..
your ambiguity is disconcerting
is your love still hibernating?
I have suffered by your silence,
I have struggled with my ego,
I have, for a moment
felt alone and unrelated..
I have wandered, I am waiting,
I have almost drank my tears..
I am sitting here, waiting for your call,
in a desperate attempt to quiet the thoughts
in this nightmare..
Some thoughts I needed to let out..
My Mom, my grandma, and my aunt.. I am the baby, and this is the ONLY picture I have of us together..
Looking back at my 4 year old self.. and how strong I've had to be in order to get here..
Before the year ends...
Monday we sent off our patent application. This is a project I have been working on for the past 3 years. 3 years of testing, of hoping, of waiting.. Until we finally got the chance to test it in the field.. There were tears, doubts, hopelessness.. Some people, including those very close to me, don't believe it is real.. I understand.. Somehow admitting that I have done something so big is incomprehensible.. Somehow they think there must be a catch.. But, in the end, we proved we are up for it.. We learned, we struggled, we fought.. and as of today, I am officially an Inventor..
The havoc in my life shadowed a moment that should have been glorious... But after thinking about it, it was even more glorious that we finished, considering the havoc in my life..
Now the only thing to do is prepare, to explain it, to sell it, to make money..but, be ready my friends, this is going to be huge...
"Let the waters settle, you will see stars and moons mirrored in your being"
Rumi
The way I see it..after this passes, you will be able to see the beauty that surrounds you. After the waters settle, you will also shine, because you will be stronger, wiser, deeper, and a step ahead in your journey... Sometimes, and when we least expect it, life explodes.. Things change, earthquakes happen, people leave... and although our first impulse is to get mad.. mad at life, destiny, someone in particular, life in general... we have to understand that our reality is created in our mind... we, a race that is plagued with calamity, suffering, death, feelings, wars, have the ability to change, not what happens to us, but how we react to it.. we can choose to sulk in our misfortunes, or see them as opportunities for growth.. we can choose to be happy... and we, even when faced with chaos, can be grateful for the experience, can be thankful for the lessons, can choose to learn from them..
Compassion, patience, peace.. are states of the mind... and it takes awareness to get there.. One night in Tel Aviv, over beers, my friend Niv told me this "once you become aware of your problems, they stop being problems, they become opportunities" for growth, for learning, for teaching, for enlightenment..
This has helped me get through god knows how much... This awareness I have developed, by pausing, by listening, by observing, have made me calmer, bolder, less afraid, more in touch with my center. A place I can always go to in the middle of a storm..Going to this familiar place, is like seeing an old friend, like a summer afternoon in the ocean, like the smell of coffee and rum, like humidity in the air, like poems, silences and minutes that feel immensely comforting and always fulfilling, like the feeling you get when everything is ok, like being surrounded by laughter, and dinners and wine...