I am 9 years old, sitting in the back seat of my parents car. " I want to move to Europe" I say. "When I finish college, I want to move to Europe, maybe France, but I am not living here for the rest of my life". My father looks at me, a smirk across his face, "and how exactly are you planning on doing that? do you think it will be that easy? Stop dreaming and focus on what's important now" he answers. I keep rambling about how I have thought about this, how I spend my hours daydreaming about getting the fuck out, about not having to live there, with them, living this life, I know I am meant to do bigger things, blah blah blah.. They ask me to please shut the fuck up... I've been talking for about an hour..
My parents, although they did the best they could with the tools they had, did a pretty lousy job at parenting. They, unaware of how their traumas, fears, and obsessions were being perceived by us, continued living with them.
Since we were kids, we were taken to therapists, because, "shit there must be something really wrong with this kids, when they misbehave like this, after everything we've done for them." When the therapists mentioned that maybe we were acting this way because my dad was an alcoholic, a functional one, but still a very heavy drinker, and my mom was a bit unstable, they immediately switched doctors.. I remember going to maybe 9 different therapists before I turned 12..
ADD was not widely known back then, and my parents refused to admit they had a problem, so between the constant changing of doctors, the lack of structure in our house, and the fact that we kept getting way above average standardized test scores, a proper diagnosis was never made...
I have spent countless hours in despair looking for my keys/credit card/phone/sunglasses/ipod every week. I've had hundreds of projects in various stages of completion, for years. I've failed so many times in getting to work on time, completing my tasks on schedule, following up on things, keeping my desk organized. My car, house and office look like they have survived a few hurricanes. It takes me days to finish a report, days...and when I finally get to it, I realized it could have been done in about two hours..
I've always been this way, according to my parents, I talk as fast I think, and in my case people, that is pretty fucking fast..
Lately I've been thinking more on how to fix this..It has always been on my "list of things to improve in order to live a happier life", but I hope you understand the irony of that... It has taken me YEARS to get to that item on the list...
My new therapist prescribed me Adderall... I have been taking it for about week... For the first time in my life, I can focus on ONE thing... My sleep pattern has improved to the point I can sleep, like a normal person, 8 hours a night..I have crossed out more items of my "To do" list this week than in the past month..and although I understand the risks associated with taking a methamphetamine, it has been a LIFE SAVER..
So this post is in honor of my newly found attention...May I keep working that To Do List..