So, in my next life...

I HAD to... The previous one kept telling me that as long as I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, or others, I was good… I mean, in his office all the patients looked CRAZY, and I know CRAZY, I can see it a mile away.. so for them, I come in my Mercedes, talking about my job, and Lucy, and this Greek that is occupying my time, and they are like, whatever girl, people are dying out there, toughen up.. So, I got myself a nice lady from Newport Beach, who will be able to relate to my issues…

Why do I go to a therapist you ask? Ok, here is the story.. Since I was little my parents used to take us to therapists, and I guess that in a way, I learned to figure things out by talking about them with someone… The problem was that they couldn’t guide me to find the answers…
Until one day, a doctor told me to read a book.. Adult Children of Alcoholics… OMFG, where had you been all my life??? This book explained, in detail, most of the “behaviors” I considered problematic in me.. Things I knew where not quite right, but I didn’t know why… For example:

They guess at what normal behavior is- I second guess my feelings and behavior CONSTANTLY…
They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end- mmm.. need I say more??
They judge themselves without mercy- even when external situation or people cause problems, I always, at some point, think I am at fault
They have difficulty having fun- Well, it depends, but I feel guilty sometimes if I am just chilling..
They take themselves very seriously- and everyone else better follow their rules ;)
They have difficulty with intimate relationships- from expressing my feelings, my needs, my expectations.. in a way I see it as being vulnerable, and being vulnerable will get you hurt.. So you avoid it, and play cool.. and ignore your feelings, needs and expectation while you try to fulfill everyone else’s…
They overreact to changes over which they have no control- it comes from the fear of abandonment…
They constantly seek approval and affirmation- because, as kids, the effort-reward system was very unstable…
They usually feel that they are different from other people
They are super responsible or super irresponsible- I am super responsible @work, but super irresponsible in my life...
They are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved- even when you know you are not getting what you deserve… when you are giving 200% and you are not getting anything… Also comes from the fear of abandonment.

Since I am in the process of developing routines, identifying negative behaviors, and working on replacing them with positive ones… I need guidance... and the people around me can’t guide me without judging, most of the time, they talk about this problems when they have been the target of my negative behaviors… and for most of them, it is hard to sympathize and understand, because they simply have never been in that situation… I am in a journey to improve my outlook, to calm my fears, to have healthy relationships… and I know sometimes it is hard on the people around me… but I am making progress, huge progress, and all I need is a little bit of patience, a little bit of good energy, a few extra hugs..


So...here is to growing, and understanding, and the freedom to complain to my therapist about unanswered emails, far away phone calls and unreturned kisses..